The older I get, the less life feels like a ladder and the more it feels like tending a slightly chaotic garden.
Some bits are thriving.
Some bits have completely been ignored.
Something is definitely digging holes where holes don’t belong.
Despite my best efforts, there appears to be a rabid fox involved.
I don’t think I ever had the luxury of waiting to become an adult.
I was pregnant at 18.
A young mum.
Married by my mid twenties.
Before I knew it, I was juggling work, raising my boys, and doing whatever needed doing to keep life moving forward.
Looking back I dont remember much waiting around for adulthood to arrive.
It had already arrived.
For years, life felt like climbing.
The next payday.
The next problem.
The next thing that needed sorting.
Head down.
Keep going.
Keep everyone alive.
It’s only been the last few years that I’ve slowed down.
Not because I wanted to.
Because my mind and body made that decision for me.
For a long time, I thought slowing down was failing.
Falling behind.
Not trying hard enough.
Now I’m not so sure.
Because when everything stopped, I started noticing things I’d spent years running past.
Life doesn’t feel much like a ladder anymore.
It feels much more like tending a slightly chaotic garden.
I’ve always loved growing things.
I used to have allotments.
I’m no expert, but I am a qualified forage leader, which is probably the least surprising fact once you’ve met me.
There’s something comforting about plants.
You can’t rush them.
You can’t force them.
You can only give them what they need and hope they’re in the mood to cooperate.
Life feels a bit like that these days.
Less about climbing.
More about tending.
My boys.
The people I love.
The dogs.
The cats.
The music that’s soundtracked every version of me so far.
The bits of myself that got neglected whilst I was busy looking after everybody else.
Some things need attention.
Some things need letting go.
Some things surprise you.
Every now and then, something you’ve quietly cared for over a very long time finally blooms.
A slightly chaotic garden.
But mine all the same.